im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
