You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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