You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
