Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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