she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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