having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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