Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
