I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize