he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Shame is for Republicans.
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