forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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