a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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