Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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