you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
