i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
