hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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