Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
