you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Watching her eat just hurts me
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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