My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
