Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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