Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
