ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
