Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
