I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
