You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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