yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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