I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
