someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need water and some morals
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
