That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
