don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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