If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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