I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize