I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
