just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
