I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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