I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
