woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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