I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
