He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
