i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
