Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
