Already got asked if we're dating
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
