Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
