I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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