nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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