so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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