But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
