Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
