Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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