i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
