I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
