home. puking in laundry basket.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
