i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
