If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
